Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
How actors in movies eat their food
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Salad is the decaf of food.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber