Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

logging onto twitter…

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Merica.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

😂

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!