Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Donkey Kong sommelier

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse