I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
money maker
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…