I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”