I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Best table by far
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
good morning
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse