Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

this is me

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.