Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it