Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

My blood type is coffee.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.