I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.