Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

I cannot stop laughing at this

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same