Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Shortcut

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

Never forget.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

When your best mate counts as a desk too

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?