Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.