I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
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I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Steam Forums
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Not all heroes wear capes….
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”