Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

How I’d get arrested…

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo