I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Saturday
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
A leaf blower, but for people.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
