I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.