Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

my dad has had enough

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Terribly Tuesday.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn