Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson