Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

North and South

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.