I’d like to stab you now.
Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.
I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.
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HER: I love sweater weather
ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!
M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: “I injured myself at the gym”
Buddy: “Too much weight?”
Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this
Nurse: you’re not a patient here
I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”