Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
You Might Also Like
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.