@LoveNLunchmeat

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.

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@lovemydogduck

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

@cray_at_home_ma

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

@eTHEgoddess

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

@issyazalea

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

@AnOrangeSNES

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

@Izianikapani

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.