Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Vodkantots

I’d like to stab you now.

Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.

@RoosterMustache

HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!

@MadGamer79

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

@hellohappy_time

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

@JustDontBugMe

MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!

M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.

@cryptomanran

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

@CAshmanActor

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: “I injured myself at the gym”

Buddy: “Too much weight?”

Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”

@Buffalojilll

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

@mollzbenn

I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says “healthy stuff,” “looob,” and “you don’t own me.”