Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

A wise man once said nothing.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow