Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Bruh

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice