Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

Always 🥴

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.