I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.