I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
This hospital has everything
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.