I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is