I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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worst…sale…ever
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
A game married people play.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Planet of the Apps.
