Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

Love is in the air fryer.

This joke is 7 years old

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

everyone’s a critic