i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good