Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

asking santa clause for nudes

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

*sewing*

A thread

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.