I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…