Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

They did not think through this water fountain

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”