I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?