Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”