I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
fourth time’s the charm
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
