I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Become a minion. Get that bread.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My humor is broken
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.