Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning