Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.