Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?