I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
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Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
spicy snake
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Animal poetry
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”