I miss getting my misinformation from less places
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Saw this yesterday lol
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.