I miss getting my misinformation from less places
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I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.