I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
You Might Also Like
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
the composer
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.