Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

Don’t forget to tip your server

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious