Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

They’re really bad with fonts.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.