I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
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My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.