I miss having a cat. I used to refer to him as my roommate because it always made me laugh seeing peoples faces when I’d tell them my roommate pooped on the kitchen counter or my roommate keeps giving me dead birds.
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Huge, if true.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.