I miss having a cat. I used to refer to him as my roommate because it always made me laugh seeing peoples faces when I’d tell them my roommate pooped on the kitchen counter or my roommate keeps giving me dead birds.
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If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one