Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

“and how does that make you feel?”

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’