I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Whisper out to librarians!
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself