I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
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Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat