Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

Jail

Candles never taste the way they smell

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.