Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”