I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
You Might Also Like
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)