I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.