Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

PLEASE READ

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire