Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

I don’t know what to do

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

SCARY COSTUME

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?