I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
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i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I enjoy a good short stor
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol