I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
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Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”