“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
He has no idea 🤡
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Incredible customer service.
