Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?