Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.