Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

my favorite genre of twitter

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets