Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

Shhh!
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Shhh!

-Librarians arguing