I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here