I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m ready to try another planet.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”