I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
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Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
That eye roll….
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”