Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

😉

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

peeping toms

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.