“i miss shittin on people”
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Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
6. me as a lawyer
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
😂🤣😂🤣
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.