“i miss shittin on people”
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Thoughts
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*