Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.