“i miss shittin on people”
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Monday Lisa
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.