I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”