I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You Might Also Like
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
A roof is a house hat.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.