I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
this site is so cooked lol
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.