I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
why am I working on Labor Day
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors