Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”