I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
We need more people like this.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
where the womens at?