Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Taliband

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.