Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Me too door. Me too.

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

So sick of all these stupid rules

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.